The Classlight Ceremony

Wearing a pirate hat with a giant arrow pointing straight to the heavens, the priest milled about his sanctuary. He smiled and waved, greeting everyone as if they were old friends—especially the people he’d never met.

"Hello Mister Bonty! I see you've leveled up [Screaming Internally] since we last met!" The priest had never seen this guy before in his life.

"Greetings, Terrance! I see you've reached [Sire 7]. Last time we spoke, you were only at [Sire 5]—and that was just three months ago!"

Beside the man, a sour-faced woman leaned down to a nervous child at her hip. "We'll be right back, sweetheart," she whispered, before seizing her husband by the ear and hauling him out the church.

The priest beamed.

Before long, the church was nearly full. It was time.

He broke away from the crowd and ascended the pulpit. A hush fell over the pews as every eye tracked his ascent. Discretely tapping a hidden button beneath the lectern, glowing text materialized in the air above his head:

The counter jumped from zero to 99%, glitched, dropped to 70% while he casually scratched his arm, then snapped to 100% and dissolved into sparkles.

"Number go up," the priest chanted the sacred creed.

In deadpan unison, the congregation replied: "Number go up."

"Welcome everyone, to The System of the World Church! Obviously, you're all here for the Classlight Ceremony, and I see a whole bunch of nervous, anxious, and excited kids who want me to hurry up and get on with it." He waved a hand in the general direction of... everywhere.

Many children giggled. Sitting among them, Arthur Wright grinned and looked around, just as excited as the rest.

The priest put on his [Evil Grin] and reminded himself that he just loved messing with people. Especially children.

"You are all very fortunate! For this Classlight Ceremony, I have generously cut my usual two-hour sermon to just one hour, forty-five minutes."

The children groaned in agony, while the parents in the back just stood there wearing dumb, goofy grins.

"Don't think I didn't hear that reaction, children." He glared around at the kids, choosing a few—seemingly at random—to stare at a little too long. Arthur was one of them. He did his best [Poker Face], but ended up grimacing and looking away anyway.

The priest switched back to a normal smile. "I'm kidding! I'm kidding!" He cleared his throat, then continued.

"I do have a few things to say before we get started in just a moment." He smiled and nodded at the waiting children. "First of all, congratulations on making it to age twelve! Far too many children die of disease or monsters before reaching twelve. So consider yourselves lucky, and remember that The System always helps those who protect and care for children. For example, how many of you kids can say no to your parents' cooking? Did you [Eat Your Vegetables] recently? Hehe."

The kids nodded seriously, looking at each other in understanding.

"YOU! Silas Bellweather!" He pointed at a random child, who jumped, suddenly looking terrified. "[Don't Make Me Come Back There]!" The priest winked, and the child calmed down and giggled.

"That's right. Some of the most powerful skills are for parents and caretakers, and you should all know that the greatest loot The System has ever rewarded was granted for saving the lives of many children."

Everyone smiled at that.

"It was [Flight], by the way. Granted to young [Artisan] Earnest Walker just over a hundred years ago—for saving the lives of over sixty children by very cleverly leading them to safety." He waved his hand. "I'm sure you all know the story."

The children nodded as he continued.

"What you may not know was that he was only fourteen years old at the time. Just two years older than all of you!"

Many children gasped, obviously unaware.

"The next thing I want to tell you all is that The System isn't perfect!" He glanced at the ceiling as if blaming it for something. "Sometimes it makes mistakes. Bad people get powerful skills or rewards they don't deserve. In fact, there are whole categories of villain subclasses that grant awful, evil skills!"

The adults in the room nodded in solemn agreement.

"But it recognizes its own faults and always, always tries to make itself better. That is the lesson The System has for us all: Better yourself, and The System will reward you. Number go up."

"Number go up," the crowd replied.

"Great. Now that that's out of the way... Damien." He looked over to the side of the church where a teenage boy was rolling out a strange cart. On top of the cart sat an ornate ceramic bowl, and hovering in the air above it was a silvery metal orb that appeared to be sweating blood, which collected in the bowl.

"Bring out the Evil Orb of Perfect Obedience!"

Many children gasped in horror while the adults just giggled. Damien couldn't help but grin as he pushed the cart next to the pulpit. The priest looked down, then up at the ceiling for some reason, and rotated the bowl.

"I see many of your parents have been very obedient! I specifically told them not to tell you about the Evil Orb of Perfect Obedience, and because they've all touched the orb, they HAD to obey! Muwahahaha! Eehehehe!" He giggled a little too much at the end, and a few kids seemed to catch on. They started smiling and looking around to see which kids were still fooled.

The priest grinned at the few remaining children with shocked looks on their faces, then fessed up. "I'm kidding. I'm kidding! It's not an Evil Orb of Perfect Obedience."

A surprising number of children were still skeptical, looking around in horror.

"This gross silver ball that appears to be sweating blood is actually just a creation of The System that generates holy fluid. See?" He reached out and stuck his finger in the bowl, swishing it around, then sniffed it. "Ick. It even smells a little like blood, haha."

He then turned dead serious. "I do not recommend drinking it. Unless you're backed up. Then by all means." He gave a thumbs-up and grinned. "We call that 'The System Flush.' Hah!"

He couldn't help himself and decided that this was the perfect time to share some fun facts. "By the way, I'm told that in the Second Age, this stuff was more of a green, mucus-like ooze. Not sure if this is better, but the—"

Someone in the crowd shouted, "[Unsubscribe Fun Facts]!"

The priest looked shocked. "How rude! I never..." He sighed in frustration. That damned skill always gets me.

"Fine. Fine. Let's get on with it." He turned to the crowd, back in serious mode. "Children, here's how it's gonna go: Line up, single file in front of the—"

All the children instantly rushed to the front in an attempt to be first in line. Arthur was frustrated that so many people were in his way! He was stuck right in the middle.

The priest sighed again. "Alright. I'm going to shout your name so everyone knows who's next. Then walk over and gently press your head against the orb. Jenny Chambers here will demonstrate."

Jenny jumped as he said her name. She was not the first in line—more like fifth. The kids she walked past scowled at her as the priest's [Evil Grin] nearly completed itself on his face.

"I will announce the child's name like this..." The priest took a deep breath like he was about to scream, then merely spoke in a loud voice. "Jenny Chambers!" He winked at her.

"Then you will walk up to the orb." He gestured at Jenny, and she stepped forward. "Now gently press your forehead against the orb, then pull it away."

Jenny winced a little bit, then looked at the priest briefly as if to say, are you messing with me?

As if he could hear her thoughts, he called out, "I'm not messing with you. That's the procedure, RIGHT, FOLKS‽"

Several shouts from the crowd assured Jenny that it would be alright, so she did as he asked.

Her head leaned over, and her forehead pressed against the orb for a moment. As she pulled it away, the orb made a loud kissing sound: "Mwah!"

As Jenny moved her hand to wipe at the fluid clinging to her head, the priest stopped her. "Do NOT wipe off the holy fluid! It needs a few minutes to be fully absorbed into the skin. It'll leave a stain, but it'll disappear over the next few days."

He cleared his throat, then continued his instructions. "Once you've been kissed by The System, just stand there a moment and wait for the orb to display your class."

Just as he said, the orb lit up a bit and projected Jenny's class onto the ceiling—backwards and upside down. The entire crowd had to crane their necks to read it.

The priest grinned at his setup.

"Alright Jenny, you're almost done. In a moment, The System will reveal itself to you!" He spoke the last part with flourish, holding both hands up in the air dramatically. "When it does, please go back to your seat from the back."

He pointed, indicating that she must walk the long way around the perimeter of the church, then down the center aisle. A narrow path that had been meticulously rigged with hazards—all positioned with theatrical precision.

Jenny's eyes went wide. "Whoa!" She blinked. "I'm a [Rogue]."

She started walking down the side of the church, but struggled to move in a straight line as The System's interface appeared in her mind like a third, invisible eye. She walked straight into a tall candlestick.

"Oh no. The sacred candlestick." The priest couldn't help himself, holding back a chuckle.

She struggled to catch it before it fell, but just ended up stumbling further.

"Hah!" The priest laughed. This was his absolute favorite part of the ceremony.

Child after child walked up and got kissed by the orb as Arthur waited for his turn. When he was only a few spots away, Arthur noticed someone's older brother speaking to a younger sibling who had just received the kiss.

"It's a little messed up. Let me fix it."

He drew a penis.

Arthur giggled, and could swear he saw the priest doing the same.

When it was finally Arthur's turn, he didn't hesitate and nearly slammed his head into the orb. It let out an overly dramatic gong that caused Arthur's whole body to vibrate up and down like he was caught in a cartoon earthquake. He giggled, thinking it was hilarious.

The priest laughed. "Hah! That's why I said to be gentle."

As Arthur walked off to the side, Damien smiled and gave him a great big thumbs-up.

This ceremony is so silly. I love it!

Feeling emboldened, Arthur reached up with his finger and drew a pentagram on his forehead using the holy fluid, thinking it'd be funny. A moment later, his class was projected onto the ceiling for the whole church to see.

[ɿɘɟʇi⑁ƨɘqɒ⑁Ƨ]

The crowd collectively gasped in shock, the sanctuary instantly filling with murmurs and gossip.

"That's a brothel class!"

"Boys shouldn't get brothel classes!"

"Poor Clara!"

"Are you kidding? She can rent him out for parties."

Even the priest was surprised. "Well that's highly unusual." He took a deep breath and bellowed, "Arthur Wright!"

Arthur's system interface was right in the middle of loading, so he just turned and stared at the priest with a completely blank, dumb expression.

"Come see me immediately after the ceremony." The priest looked dead serious. "Or you'll be sorry. Don't use any skills until you talk to me."

Arthur nodded with a thousand-mile stare, then proceeded to trip over a pile of books.

"Oh no. The sacred texts."

While trying to stand back up, Arthur's eyes started to glow, and he appeared to have a brief seizure. Instead of getting to his feet, he just plopped down and stared blankly in the direction of the crowd, who were nervously wondering what was happening.

The priest noticed this and tried to reassure everyone. "That's totally normal, folks! He probably lived a long time in his past life. Lots to download. Maybe had ten kids and eighty grandkids or something."

"Ah." The crowd nodded.

Arthur's parents seemed completely unbothered by any of this—they patiently waited for him to come out of the trance and navigate back to his seat. He sat down between them and just stared as The System finished booting in his mind.

"Whoa."

"What is it, sweetie?"

"I just got a [Holy Pentagram] achievement and a loot box!"

Mom cackled and pointed at Arthur's forehead while Dad flicked both hands at his son. "Well, open it up! Let's see what you got." He had a silly, mischievous grin.

It took Arthur a moment to figure out how to do that, but he found the loot box in The System interface under the [Participation Trophies] category inside the [Customer Retention] panel. He mentally tapped it and immediately, the sound of someone sarcastically whispering, "holy pentagram" played as a cheap cardboard box summoned itself into existence before his eyes. It hovered in the air, until Arthur grabbed it and lifted the lid, which had the text, "OPEN" beneath a pentagram symbol.

Inside the box was a tiny glass bottle that appeared to contain a swirling red fluid. It was adorned with a simple white label containing a very plain, red pentagram.

"What the?" Arthur inspected the bottle, then held it up for his parents to see as the cardboard box dissolved in a flash of pentagram-shaped sparkles.

Dad took the bottle, unstoppered it, then took a sniff. "It's holy fluid!"

Arthur scratched his head. "Why would The System give me a bottle of holy fluid?"

Mom grinned. "When was the last time you pooped?"